Friends – A part of life or life itself?

Friends… such a small and sweet word 🙂 It brings me great memories from past and makes me smile no matter how hard the present situation might be. Friends are always there for me, somehow. They are the ones who don’t calculate so much. They don’t think of what I would do for them when the time comes to save me from trouble. They always make me smile when I am depressed. They distract me from my worries. They make fun of me, but they will kill anybody outside of group, if they try to hurt me. I can always count on them. They are not blood related to me, but sometimes they worry about me more than my family does. They are the people with whom I can laugh like crazy, clutching my stomach, doubling over and not able to breathe meanwhile and still not care about how crazy I might look/sound. They are also the ones in front of whom I can bawl my eyes out over a trivial matter and not be ashamed of it. I abuse them, hit them, hurt them, and they might sometimes do the same to me, but not a single time do any of us feel that this is the end of friendship for us. Admit it, it’s true that you might forgive/ignore a person if they say some rude words to you, but you will rip their bones out if they point a finger towards your friends. Same goes for me 😀 No matter how big a problem I might have created, my friends will get angry, shout at me, punch me for being so foolish, but they will always come back to pick me up, help me dust myself and walk ahead as a strong lady again. Whenever I feel a little unsure about myself, they will boost my confidence in a matter of seconds. I am a very emotional person, and I tend to take things very seriously and sensitively. But my friends taught me how to have fun amidst all these problems. They don’t interfere into my decisions, I am the one who decides the final word for myself, but they do advise me properly and listen to me when I could use an attentive ear. I never think twice when it comes to trust them. I already do trust them, that’s why I called them ‘friends’ and not acquaintances. Seriously, IT’S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME, no matter where or when, with my friends. We all have different opinions. It’s like ends of the world meet together 😀 But we are never judgmental of each other 🙂 We forget and forgive easily now. It was a hard thing to learn, but I did learn it eventually 🙂 Soon I am going to graduate…I have no idea how much my life is going to change or if even these out-of-the-world friends will stay with me any more. All I know is, during these 3 years, I built a small family here that I would remember and cherish my whole life. Haha, I am getting sentimental here 😀 I am going to miss my friends a lot if we do get separated after completing our BA…we all stayed together in hostel, we know each other’s all small small secrets, we have seen each other at our best and at our worst as well, it’s going to be very hard without these friends in the future but all I am going to hope for is for them to be happy wherever they go and for them to keep spreading this crazy happy feeling to whoever they meet in the future 🙂 Let’s hope we keep crazily laughing and smiling like shown in the photo below. ❤ Memories ❤

Sleep: A beautiful escape indeed

This world is very beautiful. So adventurous. So many ups and downs. Hardly any moment of peace. Well, at the least my life is like that 😀 And sometimes I badly need to escape this constant hustle bustle of actions, speeches and thoughts. The best way to be in peace is to just slip into sleep. Of course, at times it is hard to fall asleep when the mind is restless and you just can’t stop thinking, no matter what. Trust me, I am way too familiar with that. There are nights when I would be so tired physically but my mind just won’t shut up. Slow music of course helps. I get so sleepy and my mind is in peace when I put ‘fireflies’ of Owl City in replay mode and lay down. I absolutely love that song. I started smoking few months ago, and at that time I used to smoke one or two cigarettes before sleeping, because that used to calm my nerves. But yeah, smoking is pretty harmful to health, I am aware of that. And well, I love my body, so I don’t do that any more. I have heard drinking a bit of whiskey helps. But where would I get whiskey every night in hostel 😀 There is this balm/roll on we find (I don’t know it’s available outside India or not), I used to roll it on my forehead and the smell is so strong that it makes your eyes water. It’s mostly for headaches but it makes me sleepy too. My father objected to using it because he doesn’t like becoming dependent on anything at all for being able to carry out basic activities like sleeping

Earlier, there were most nights when I didn’t fall asleep. Not because I was suffering from insomnia. It was basically because I have an internet connection and not much of self control 😀 But yeah, sometime along I grew up and became more matured and started paying attention to my body more than before. My biological clock was all upsy-daisy because of all these bad habits 😦 Once, I didn’t sleep whole night and I was almost ready to sleep in the morning. But I forced myself to walk around like a zombie whole day and then came to bed straight at 9 pm and fell asleep in matter of seconds. After that not a single day I tried to stay up after 11 pm at maximum. Forced my biological clock to get in straight line 😀 Of course there are still times when I have to stay up till late hours to do some work, but I try to avoid that as much as possible. Loving my body this way automatically makes me feel so happy. Earlier, my face was like an open book. If I am sad, my face will droop down and if I am happy, it will glow even if I am dead-tired. Trust me, that is more horrible since I am a very moody person. But now, my face is not a slave to my moods, it’s glowing all the time. Well that might be possible from the fact that I am hardly ever sad nowadays, but I think sleep played a bigger role in making me look and feel beautiful.

I love sleep. Well, who doesn’t? 😀 It is just a break from our daily tensions. Escape from this active world. Haha, each one of us has a slight tendency towards escapism. I have started respecting myself so much that I absolutely love it. Now, I never sacrifice my sleep for anything or anyone, no matter how important that thing/person might be. Haha, it is a whole another thing that the most important person for me is just myself. I am pretty selfish, I know 😀 Not because of only this thing, but many more. But I love it! Damn, I fell in love with myself and who cares if anybody else thinks low of me because of that, since the only opinion that matters to me is my own 😀

One more thing. If you really are still not able to fall asleep after what all I suggested, do some heavy physical activities. Join a gym, go in the evenings, to get so tired that you can’t resist falling asleep as soon as you sit on your bed at night. Run, jog, walk with friends (not that lousy strolling). Live your life happily and as actively as possible. Because a peaceful escape awaits you in form of sleep when you come back to bed. Anyway, it’s 6:15 am right now and I am very well rested and well slept. Ready for a hectic and active day, if I must say 😀  Have a nice day, you all 🙂 And there you go, one sleepy picture of mine wishing you all a very good morning 😛

P.S.: This photo is from about 3 years ago. I have longer hair than this now (Yaaay)

Do I feel?

‘Feelings’…it’s a small word with heavy implications, right? We all feel right? We are human beings. We all feel. Sadness, happiness, ecstasy, depression, peaceful, chaotic – all are words that we are way too familiar with. Please, reader, feel lucky if you can still feel such things. Cherish each moment. If you are happy, you praise the Lord. When you are sad, please do not curse Him. If you did not go through the downs, did not experience anger or sadness, then how will you realise the value of the happy moments that God gifts you? Be strong, have confidence, love yourself, know the value of self-respect. Do not demean yourself. You still do good things right? You don’t kill/rape anyone. Try to find positive points in every action you take. Do not think of yourself as unlucky either. You have a shelter, a roof above your head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people to talk to, friends to cry with and laugh with. You are still more blessed than you think you are. To over-think or not. To overreact or not. To not let anything affect you and putting on a poker face or to be a little more open and show your reactions to people or things. Each of these decisions is in your hand. It’s your call to make. Don’t worry. If you make a mistake, you will learn a lesson from it. Take every problem as an opportunity to prove to yourself that you are strong enough to overcome it. Do not be weak. Feel ashamed if you ever think of giving up. But most of all…be thankful that you can feel. That means you are still human.

I? I lately…have not been feeling anything. Anything at all. When people ask if I am sad or if I have lost something, I think for some time and then I say that I still have many more things and I am still getting many more things. So, I cannot think of any reason to be sad. They ask me if I am happy. I say…I don’t have any reason to be that too. I am glad. I am thankful for all the things I have. But happiness is a feeling, right? Why can I not feel anything? No, that’s wrong. Some things make me angry. It’s the only feeling that I am able to feel right now. When things go out of the way that I planned them to be, when my plans don’t work out in any way I choose to go, all I can feel is frustration. It’s not that I cannot accept defeat. I can very well do that and move on to the next phase. But there lies the problem I think. This is what I have turned my life into. I am not slow. I cannot be slow. I am not able to stay at a place, at any point. My body rests, my heart rests, my mind rests. But ‘I’ am not able to rest. If I see some challenge, I need to be on the move to conquer it. If I gain victory, I savour the moment and then I wait for the next obstacle. Is this what I have turned my life into? A ‘race’?

But feeling angry means I am letting my circumstances affect me. And I cannot do that. I can never be weak to such trivial matters or people or things. And this somehow makes me turn myself into a robotic figure. I do what I am supposed to do. I do things that will make my parents and my near and dear ones happy and proud of me. I avoid things that would make me feel guilt. Guilt is something I can never ever allow myself to feel. I would go down or up to any extent to avoid that particular feeling, more than anything. So, I become numb. I stop every person, every thing, every event from having the tiniest of effect on me. It has its own positive and negative effects. Things don’t pain me any more. But they don’t give me a sense of happiness either. I don’t feel defeated/crushed. But I don’t feel proud either. I don’t cry. But I don’t smile either. I thought of maintaining a poker face. But lately, I don’t need to maintain it any more. At first I thought of putting up a mask over my real face. But is it my face that has turned into a poker face now?

I say that I am numb. But numbness is again a feeling, right? So what do I say? I feel numb? Do I even feel?

It makes me feel powerful….but it makes me feel scared at the same time.